we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Randomize
