I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
