new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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