Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
