Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
