it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
