I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
