Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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