he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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