So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
