I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
