I wish I could punch you in the face.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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