Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
