just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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