Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
