I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
