I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
