there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
