Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
