Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
