I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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