I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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