May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
