He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
