those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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