If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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