my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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