The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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