You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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