I just made out with a guy for $7.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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