dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
