I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
