This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
