How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
