This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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