i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
