I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
