i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
