so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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