First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
