My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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