bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
