Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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