I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
