I think I won the penis lottery.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
