I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
