I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
