i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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