Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
