I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
