Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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